THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBS

TEiP DEEP 28

ANGER MANAGEMENT

SPOILER ALERT

Here is the Thought Experiment that we’ll discuss at TEiP DEEP.

It is broken into three chapters.

I recommend waiting to read the chapters sequentially at the event

…but if you’d like to know what they are ahead of time, here you go… :-)

CHAPTER 1

There’s a character in the Disney version of Hercules that encapsulates perfectly how Helen is feeling.

Hades is depicted with blue flame emitting from the top of his head, in lieu of hair.

When he is angry, which is a lot, the blue flame turns red and flares upwards from his head and shoulders. His whole face contorts and takes on a reddish tinge.

Hades has a very short fuse.

He flares red a lot.

He tries to calm himself down by smoothing the red flame and saying “I’m cool, I’m fine.”

Helen has been feeling very Hades-like recently. She has a short fuse that seems to be triggered by the most minor things:

Someone pushing in front of her when getting on the tube
Her shoe when it came undone on a busy street
The cyclists that skip red lights when she is a pedestrian
The cars that honk at her when she skips a red light on her bike
Her local cafe for being full
Someone talking loudly on the phone on the bus
Minor queries from colleagues that Helen thinks they should be able to work out themselves

She comes home at the end of the day and says to her partner:

“I swear I am this close to shouting at someone in public. I’m SO angry. I can calm myself down in the moment, but it doesn’t feel sustainable at all. Each time something aggravates me, it feels a little worse and a little less controllable. I don’t know what to do!”

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:

If you were Helen’s partner, what would you say?
How might you suggest Helen cope with her feelings?
Why do people get angry?
Why do some people get more angry than others?
Do any of Helen’s irritants resonate with you?
Have you ever felt like Helen/Hades?

CHAPTER 2

Helen woke up the next day determined not to let her anger get the better of her. She decided to do everything she could to start the day feeling less angry:

She got up early to allow plenty of time and reduce the need to rush
She went for a run and did a couple of fast sprints.
She had a long shower with lavender scented bodywash.
She meditated for 20 minutes.
She wrote a couple of things in her gratitude journal.
She stopped at her favourite cafe on her way to the tube and got a herbal tea instead of her usual coffee.

Helen had a relatively peaceful journey into work. She received a couple of trying emails on the way, but the flickers of irritation that she experienced were minor. She felt tentatively proud of herself for getting a handle on her rage.

In her lunch break, Helen went out to buy some tracksuit bottoms. In the changing room, she put one foot into the tracksuit bottoms and gasped in pain.

Hopping on one leg, she looked down at her foot. There was a security tag sticking out of it. Wincing, she pulled it out. Her foot immediately started to bleed profusely, soaking through the sock.

Helen hopped, winced, and gasped for a few moments. She pulled her trousers back on and hobbled out of the changing room.

She showed the attendant her foot and the pin and said:

“I just stepped on this. I’m going to have to take this pin to the doctors. I think I’ll probably need a tetanus shot.”

The attendant said:

“You can’t take that pin, it's against health and safety.”

Helen said:

“What do you mean? It’s already done it’s damage! I need to take it to show the doctor.”

The attendant said:

“You can’t take it, its store property. You can take a photo of it, but you can’t take it.”

Still hopping on one leg, Helen said:

“That’s ridiculous, I’m going to take it, I need to show the doctor.”

The attendant said:

“If you take it, that will constitute theft.”

That was the moment Helen went full Hades. She shouted:

“I’m in a lot of pain. You haven’t made any apology for this. You’re not offering any help, you’re just telling me that if I take this tag I’m a thief. [various expletives].”

The interaction continued for a little longer, until the manager was called, the attendant apologised and provided a first aid kit and offered Helen 20% off her purchases.

Helen began to feel a little tearful. She hated that she’d lost her temper. She apologised to the attendant. She tried to explain she’d been having a difficult time recently. The attendant seemed pleased that Helen had apologised. She said:

“I understand, its not problem. I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.”

When Helen got home at the end of the day, she looked up “anger management groups in London”. All she could find were online groups, which enraged her further. She was beginning to feel desperate.

Helen told her partner how she was feeling. They said:

“I don’t think you should focus on the anger so much.”

Helen said:

“I don’t know what else to do!”

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:

What do you think of Helen’s attempts to control her anger?
What about the incident in the shop?
If you were a bystander, what would you have thought?
Is it ever acceptable to lose your temper?
Why do you think Helen felt tearful after she lost her temper?
What do you think of Helen’s partner’s advice?
If you were Helen’s friend, how would you advise her?
Have you ever felt like Helen in the shop?
If yes, what has helped? Has anything made it worse?
If no, why do you think you haven’t felt like that?

CHAPTER 3

After extensive searching, Helen has finally found an IRL anger management meeting.

Actually it’s an ‘emotions anonymous’ group, but that includes anger apparently.

It meets on the first Thursday of the month, which it just happens to be today. Helen is relieved that she didn’t miss it by a day.

The group takes place in a community centre one hour outside London. Helen decides it is worth the journey.

She arrives at the community centre and makes her way to the signposted room.

There are two people there already. One introduces himself as the facilitator. The other nods at her.

She makes a cup of instant coffee and sits on one of the plastic chairs in the circle.

A couple more people arrive so that there are 5 of them by the time the group starts.

The facilitator introduces himself and the format of the group and the ground rules:

Confidentiality - what’s said in the room stays in the room
Respect - for one another’s opinions, time, feelings
No advice unless asked - this is a group for sharing our own experiences rather than commenting on one another’s. If someone explicitly asks for advice, you can give it, but otherwise focus on listening non-judgementally.

The facilitator then invites people to share. The following things happen:

Shirley rants for 15 minutes. She says she hates everything including this group.
Randolph says: “I’ve been finding listening to Tibetan monks chanting on noise cancelling headphones a very good way to avoid losing it on the tube.”
Guido says: “I’m feeling really fed up. Coming here tonight has helped me hold it together for another week.”
Shirley apologises for saying she hates the group and asks if she can go round and shake everyone’s hands individually. The facilitator says it’s up to individual people if they want to shake Shirley’s hand. Everyone does.
The facilitator says: “My month has been a bit up and down, but I’m getting better at noticing triggers, so I’m able to react a little less each time I think.”
Mia says: “I’ve been feeling angry too…and tearful…” and then bursts into tears. She cries for quite a while. Then she says “phew, I feel a lot better after getting that out of my system. Thanks everyone for letting me.”
Randolph chants a single “Om”
The facilitator invites Helen to share. She says: “Yeah I guess I feel a bit like Mia I think, but I can’t cry. I’m just really angry.”
Guido says: “Me too. I feel like blowing something up.”

At the end of the group, everyone goes round and shares how they’re feeling now.

They all say some version of “a little better”.

They all express gratitude for the group.

The facilitator says:

“It’s funny isn’t it how a bunch of angry people can help each other feel better rather than piss each other off.

Well I hope to see you all again next month. It’s a shame there aren’t more meetings in the meantime. If anyone would like to set one up, get in touch.”

QUESTIONS TO CONSIDER:

Why do you think they all feel a little better at the end of the group?
How long do you think the ‘better’ feeling will last?
If you had been a participant in the group, how do you think you would have felt?
Why do you think there are so few support groups for anger/emotions in London?
How common do you think it is for people to feel very angry and lose their tempers?
If you found out that Guido’s last name was Fawkes, and that he went by the nickname “Guy”, how would you feel about the ‘Confidentiality’ ground rule? Are there any good reasons to breach confidentiality?
Do you think Guy Fawkes’ and co-conspirators’ attempt to blow up parliament in 1605 was motivated by anger or something else?
Why do you think Guy Fawkes night is still commemorated 420 years after the plot was foiled?

SOURCES:

BA, THOUGHT EXPERIMENTS IN PUBS Group Member

Clements, R., & Musker, J. (Directors). (1997). Hercules [Film]. Walt Disney Pictures.